please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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