The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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