I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots