Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
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