i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
