Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
