Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
pop tarts are not kleenex
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
