I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Can you bring me the toilet please
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
