I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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