My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
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