dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Randomize
