fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
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We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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