nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
