My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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