Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
