Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
