The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
