proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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