the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
