He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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