i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
