Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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