Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
