Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Randomize
