just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
