broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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