Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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