I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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