Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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