Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I think people are normalizing furries
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
