and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
