I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
