Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Your shirt... Was in my pants
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
