At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
