I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
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The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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