Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Two words: blizzard sex
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
