He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
