You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
