It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
