I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
