using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
