did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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