I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
