...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
