I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
