So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
