His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
