I faked an abortion last night.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
