my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
