Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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