did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Come on in and take your pants off
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