i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
