Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex