there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
