i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.