I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
