I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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