dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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