I am midnight drunk by noon
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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