if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
