The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i love accidental penises.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Randomize
