I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
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I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
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