They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm like, not good at living.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
