At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Life is so much better after having sex.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
