there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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