you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
